tsdk

How many times have you heard in response to someone's relationship dilemma, "Oh, MEN!" or "Men are such dogs", "Men don't get it", "It's a guy thing..."??? I get SO frustrated when I hear/read comments like that. I can't tell you how many times I've read that in response to some serious shit on the Nest or the Knot, or in real life.

To me, making those statements is just holding men to a lesser standard because they have a penis. Or maybe I just have a great husband. And/Or I know the difference between a bad relationship and a good one.

I don't understand this kind of thinking. If your husband is being a dick, it's because your husband IS a dick. It isn't because "guys are dicks". Not every guy would do the same moronic thing as your guy. Wake up.

My husband is neater than I am, he cleans better than I do, he asks a million questions because he's interested in stuff, he is organized and makes lists. And guess what? He's a guy. But he isn't that way or not that way BECAUSE he's a guy- he's this way because it's partially his nature, and partially how he was raised.

I think people make blanket statements about men and woman just because it makes them feel better...but I still don't get it. There are often times it's helpful to me when there's someone else who's been what I've been through in a given situation, but for the most part- I feel what I feel. It doesn't matter if 3 million other have been through it or are going through it- but I'm still ME, going through it....and it doesn't really matter what's going on with someone else. It doesn't help. *I* ALONE still have to get through to the sunlight. If I chose to be with someone who didn't help me, didn't watch our child properly, didn't pay attention, didn't x or didn't y- I'm pretty confident that the line, "Oh, men are just like that" wouldn't be a comforting thought.

I'm just surprised at how many women give this rational about men being a certain way as advice to other women who are at a crisis point in their relationship. Men just don't change diapers??? Are you KIDDING me? Whomever lets their husband get away with that kind of crap should not be giving other women advice. Seriously.

I don't answer posts about this stuff because I see 20 replies basically saying "Boys will be boys" and I don't want to jump in and start drama. It isn't worth it and because I don't have children my words would most likely not be taken seriously. Plus, to me, it's so much deeper. I think many of these women got married to get married, didn't really look down the road to what kind of husband and possible father this man would be, and just wanted a baby. They got the baby, and then just expected their husband to morph into a different (ie, better) man. They didn't marry the man, they married the "POTENTIAL". Then, they have to make excuses. By giving the advice "Men are men" (as they shake their heads and COMPLAIN ALL THE TIME TO PEOPLE ONLINE), they feel less alone and probably less stupid about their own choices.

If I had married Don, that probably would have been me too. But that didn't happen. It definitely wasn't my choice at the time but I'm glad it happened. I don't think I enjoyed my five years of singlehood and hundreds of bad dates and bad boys, and just not meshing with anyone until I met my husband. But- at least in all that time, I learned that each guy is different, and if you have some patience and foresight for the futre, you can meet someone that breaks all the sterotypes.

Maybe I don't answer those posts because all my answers would just be perceived as bragging. So, for this post I thank my husband, B, who got a manicure and pedicure with me yesterday so I wouldn't have to go today, and is cleaning and doing laundry while I lay sick on the couch.

So, it's now like two years later and I still don't get this site. I feel like people take this WAY too personally or something- I don't even know what.

Sometimes I hop around and I consistantly see people are "trimming their friends list"- blah blah, something about cutting people that don't comment or "giving an easy out"....

Hello? McFly? It's an internet journal. IMO- you should really be only concerned that you're reading your own words. I guess it's nice to get comments...or have "friends" on here that you know read your stuff. But, really, at the heart of it- it's a journal....a journal is a place to jot down your thoughts, maybe re-align your emotions or be whatever you want it to be. But, if you're that obsessed with who is reading or commenting, maybe you should stop with LJ and write a book.

I haven't added or subtracted any "friends" since I've been on here and added people initially. And I don't even really get how someone can be my "friend" but I'm not theirs. I think someone "trimmed me", lol, because I used to see like 100 writings a day of this person, and I wondered if they had an actual job or worked for LJ- Sometimes I commented, and sometimes I didn't- but at any rate, now I see none. I can't imagine this person not writing everytime they took a shit so I must have gotten the axe. But, guess what? I'm not offended either way.

I just had to say that I think people are weird. Carry on.

These are the 40 things a career matcher said I should pursue....

1. Advertising Copywriter

2. Addictions Counselor

3. Clergy

4. Art Director

5. Sport Psychology Consultant

6. Psychologist

7. Stylist

8. Desktop Publisher

9. Cartoonist / Comic Illustrator

10. Potter

11. Craftsperson

12. Librarian

13. Fashion Designer

14. Animator

15. Child and Youth Worker

16. Dental Assistant

17. Professor

18. Set Designer

19. Costume Designer

20. Religious Worker

21. Community Worker

22. Marriage and Family Therapist

23. Motivational Speaker

24. Florist

25. Public Relations Specialist

26. Print Journalist

27. Travel Agent

28. Cashier

29. Website Designer

30. Retail Salesperson

31. Auctioneer

32. Artist

33. Airline Customer Service Agent

34. Graphic Designer

35. Critic

36. Library Technician

37. Computer Animator

38. Funeral Director

39. School Counselor

40. Translator

The W Girls and Give | Network present:

Spring Fever... an evening to benefit HELP USA and celebrate the advent of Spring. This is an opportunity for both singles and couples to dance to great music, win awesome prizes, and network with hundreds of attractive, like-minded professionals.

Plus, we're hosting a Bachelor/etteauction of NYC's finest ladies and gentleman.

Singles- drink, dance, mix, and mingleplus your chance to meet your true love (or a spring fling)!

Couples- drink, dance, mingle, win amazing prizes, and the chance to witness your friends get into a bidding frenzy!

Any information about the WGirls can be found on the WGirls website-www.wgirlsnyc.com

When: Friday, May 18, 2007

Where: Arena (135 W. 41st St., New
York, NY 10036 nr. Broadway)

Program:
7:30 - 9:00 PM: Open Bar
9:00 PM: Bachelor/Bachelorette auction
10:00 PM: Prize announcements

Cost:
Only $45 after May 1; $55 at the door.
This event will sell out, so purchase
your ticket early!

If you can't make it but would stilllike to make a contribution, go to ourwebsite- www.wgirlsnyc.com/invitation.html

..> ..>

About the charity:

HELP USA is one of the largest providers of domestic violence housing in the New York metropolitan area with a total of 100 units of housing. HELP USA operates three residences
specifically dedicated to victims of domestic violence. On-site
comprehensive services include childcare,counseling, and employment activities. Customized services for domestic violence survivors are also available at every HELP USA residence. Residents are given the tools to lead independent,violence-free lives. For more information, please visit: www.helpusa.org

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

W Girls: Allison Silver, Amy Heller, Carolyn Sweitzer, Eve Hawkins, Emily Goldman, Jodi Demarco, Kimberly Strickland, Katrina Meier, Lisa Glasser, Lisa Imel, Marla Spitzer, Megan Healy, Missy Swindel, Michele Elvin, Rachel Heller, Rhondi Banta, Stephanie Siegel, Tara Diamond-Kule

You can also find the WGirls on Myspace at: http://www.myspace.com/wgirlsnyc

Give | Network: Annette Blum, Pranav Ramanathan, Vivian Shen,David Soto, Sam Stewart

WOO HOO! Small pleasure...but we actually clapped when Ryan Seacrest said, "Hayley, you're safe, Gina, you're going home!"....

Finally, that cocky beyotch got kicked to the curb.

I know, I know...It SHOULD have been Man-gina...(Sanjaya)...but since Howard Stern is on his crusade, I've basically decided just to pretend Sanjaya isn't around for now...he isn't going home, so, I'll just be resigned to crawling under the couch when he sings in embarassment for him.

But, Woo Fucking Hoo. Buh Bye, Gina. BUH. BYE. She definitely made it clear that she thought she was the best singer there...and clearly she was mistaken. :-)

Leaving St Lucia today...can't wait to get home to tell all the ways Sandals blows the big donkey dick. B and I had fun because...we're us...and that is what we do....but I am getting a free trip somewhere after this....I don't have time to write it now...nor do i want to lose any of my fury by cathartically writing it all out here for you before writing my scathing letters to the travel agent dickbag who sent us here and to Sandals themselves who are surely laughing their asses to the bank on all of our hard earned cash....

What I will say is...unless you are a total lush and don't give a rats ass about accomodations then this is NOT the place for you. If you are a foodie...or the slightest bit Jappy...this is NOT the place for you....if you mind seeing an enormous cockroach run above your head in the "finest" restaurant, this is NOT the place for you. :)

BUT- I did read an AMAZING book...the author is Stephanie Klein. Google her...she has a blog which is how i assume she got the book deal...she's like 30-32 yrs old I believe...that is my guess....I actually met her in person in 2004...she wasn't famous yet...she was just a photographer taking photos of people at a NYC party I was attending...she took my photo and handed me a card...i forgot about her...my friend Yules handed me the book as I left to come to this shithole....and I read it in 2 days it was so compelling....it is a memoir- I only read memoirs...i only care about real people and the real shit that happens to them....she got divorced at 29 after being married to the Jappiest, self-absorbed, pussy-boy, momma's boy doctah that ever existed. The book was so good, B read it right after me and has never read a book faster in his entire life...all like 300 pages.

Wait- don't google her before you read the book....i don't want to ruin any of the book for you- it was that worth it. I think you can get it on Amazon.com....I would look it all up for you, and give you links but I am on B's godforsaken MAC and I don't know how to get another "window"....

Anyway, I am tan as hell...and that's all that matters....so, that is one good thing...the weather at home has warmed considerably...we aren't coming home to a blizzard, so that works...and B's assistant taped Brothers & Sisters for me. The only thing I forgot to tape is What About Brian from last week...but maybe someone will have it....

God, i can't wait to have a read hamburger and some lobster...you'd think, on a fucking island, they'd serve some seafood.

1. Why don't people want to believe me that you need your lamp to buy a lampshade. I just do not understand this. They say, "Yeah, I saw it in your ad, but...", then they just trail off. But, then, they don't buy anything anyway. They act pissed that we just want to sell them the right thing. I tell them that it isn't like I am going to get fired...that I would rather lose the sale than sell them the wrong shade that they are going to have to exchange. They all have this farbissenah face too....

2. I would love to know where the hell I can find my new favorite no-cal drink. I got it once...like a tease. And now? NADA. It is nowhere. Where are you my pretty Aquafina Sparkling Raspberry? Where oh where? I love you. Come back to me. PLEASE.

3. I have to call the Cantor that is performing our ceremony. He owns a bagel store too aside from his "cantoring"....so, I can't call too early and I can't call too late. I wish he would just let the phone go to voicemail so I can leave a message..but he always answers the phone. I don't want to SPEAK to him, I just want to tell him something where a message would suffice.

4. Two couples are staying at my in-laws for the wedding. Why would people want to do this vs. staying in a hotel? I understand it is less money...but still, I wouldn't want to stay in someone's house ever. For any reason...if I had the option of a hotel. That is just weird to me. But, then again, I am a slob and like to mess up the room with all my stuff and walk around naked. Maybe other people are neat and clothed and like it that way.

5. I lost another 2 pounds. I know my dress is going to be too big. I wonder if I can lie and say that I am the same weight and she just didn't take it in enough.

6. I really need a beav wax. I am starting to look like a Hassidic Jewish Man's face down there. But, I don't know how to work this so that I can also do it for the wedding too. I think I want to wax my armpits too. I am such a baby though and I know that hurts like a motherfucker.

7. If I wear blue nail polish for the wedding, how many people are going to give me shit about it. I don't give a shit if it looks trashy.

8. I don't understand how or why if I haven't watched Days of Our Lives in like 15 yrs, I can turn it on today and still know the plotline. That shit moves SLOW. If I miss a day of General Hospital, I don't know what the fuck is going on.

9. My mom decided to wear Chocolate brown to the wedding. Why do people like this color. I think it makes one look like a giant turd. In fact, this girl in my sorority once was a giant turd with a piece of corn in it for Halloween, and she wore all brown with a yellow swatch of fabric safety-pinned to her...and hot damn, she looked like a turd.

10. I am bored to death of the knot and the nest. The people on TIP make me want to rip my eyelashes out....I am bored of people talking about gay shit like aisle runners and candy buffets. I have never seen or heard of half this shit...like wtf are tears of joy packets....and poems for the fucking bathroom? If someone needs a tampon, they ain't reading a poem about it. When someone is stealing the hairspray out of it, they aren't thinking how cute it looks in the basket with the poem. Do what you want...but I am bored. But I am equally bored of that MrsH chick...I would go to NEY, but I don't even know who half those people are anymore.

11. I can't wait for our jack and jill bachelor/ette thing down the shore this weekend. I think we're making pot brownies. I want to get high, relax, and just laugh. I hope the weather is nice.

Fall Charity Benefit by The W Girls

Check out the new site!

http://www.wgirlsnyc.com/HomePage.html

You can find all kinds of cool, fun stuff on the website, but below are some additional details for our Fall Event!

Hope to see you there!

Additional details about the benefit:

Cover charge: $20 prior to event (purchase on website)
$25 at door

On Friday September 29th, we invite you to join us at the Chill Lounge www.chillloungenyc.com to help us raise
money for the Children's Aide Society.

ALL drinks and food will be half price 7:00 - 10:00 and ALL proceeds will go directly towards the purchase of back to
school supplies for underprivileged NYC school children (backpacks, books, notebooks, pencils, crayons, rulers,
scissors, glue etc).

Additional Details on the Dress Code
Women: Plaid skirts and oxfords (think Catholic School Girl), sorority letters, prep or private school look.
Men: Blazers, sports jerseys, varsity jackets or frat letters. Prep or private school look....college tees in a pinch :)

Here I am then....

Me the other day at my dress fitting...



and...me on my birthday...

I would love to post a photo in the body of my journal entry like you all super-cool net savvy folk....but I don't know how. :-(

I would think it is me...and my PMS...but no, no. NO.

I hate Beach Bum tanning by where I live. I just emailed their corporate office and ripped them a new bunghole.

There are two guys who work there that are like Dumb & Dumber.

This is the second time I went there that I paid like $25 for ONE tan and the water mist didn't work in the machine. It is because of all the extra stuff in this bed that it costs so much. When I pay all that money I expect it to work. I don't often spend this kind of money on tanning. It KILLS me to do that especially after working in tanning and getting it for free forever...and $25 is a huge rip....but this was a birthday treat...so, I was kind of psyched to go and relax....

Then when I complain that it doesn't work, I expect the guy to compensate me in some way, not just stare at me like I am a zoo animal.

They are just morons. The one leaves a note on the door that he'll be back in 5 min....15 min later he is sauntering back in his ball-hugger pants eating doughnuts....giggling and asking if he took long. Who does that? I worked in many salons and never just left. I either brought food or had it delivered. Otherwise, surprise, people get PISSED. We had a wedding to go to that day and we had to hurry because of this guy and his breakfast jaunt.

I just went to their website and ripped the place a whole new ass. I will let you know if I hear from them.

SO ANNOYED. It was like a freaking sweat box in there....as you can imagine...today. I think I lost 5 pounds in sweat alone.

Customer service anyone?? Hello? McFly? Seriously though....what I said in my email to them which is 100% true...CUSTOMER SERVICE is what ends up being cut from a place that isn't "mom & pop"....when it is a chain store...and the owners are absentee and care more about money than the patrons....THIS is what happens...This is why B hates box stores...and generic shit.

Ball-hugger Pants and Dippety-Do Gel Hair boy don't give a rats ass about whether I am happy and misted...they care if they sell me higher packages and some crappy Australian Gold lotion. Oh, wait, they also care about the 17 yr old thong-showing high school chicks that hang in there.

If I ever just left the tanning salon while I was working, I would get an earful!! People would freak. Usually people who are tanning are in a hurry...or are in desperate need of 15 min of relaxation....they aren't there to be pissed off.

And I needed to tan this zit off my head before my birthday tomorrow.

Yes, there are bigger problems in the world. Fuck, I have bigger problems than this...this is so stupid....but I vented...and now I feel a little better. lol.

So, is it wrong to say I would leave B for Jon Bon Jovi? Ok, it would be wrong...and I so would NOT....but can I just say that JBJ is so hot that I actually stood on my chair, in the pouring rain, and rocked out to Bad Medicine...with the best of them??

Grandmas & whore-lets, fashionistas & Glamour Don's, cowboy hat wearing ho's & Gap commercial looking chicks...moms and daughters...mom's dressed as daughters....guido's in wristbands and frosted hair....guidettes in painted on jeans and suede boots....

They were all out in full effect at Giants Stadium last night.

I don't know why I procrastinate getting tickets to these events til I have to settle for less than stellar seating. Yes, I had floor seats...but I want to be close enough to see Jon's cavities (although he has perfect teeth) or feel shake-off of sweat. I want to be able to have ample opportunity for eye-sex....

B and I had an 80's rockin good time...So glad he is cool like that.

So, yeah, Forty hasn't taken any of the shake out of his fine booty or lowered is amazing energy level...He threw Richie a bone and let him sing "I'll Be There For You" solo...which was actually really fucking good...B thought that was a major highlight....

I would have liked him to sing more from Slippery When Wet...but he did do "Raise Your Hands", which is my favorite from that album anyway.

Well, my asslicking of JBJ is done now. Just wanted to say it was a blast...the pouring rain didn't dampen anyone's spirit...if anything it made it even better...Totally worth the price of the tickets.

Next time, I'll spring for better seats. Front row, baby.

Yup. That's what I said...I went to Brooklyn and got a kimono...

It wasn't really "stinkin"...even though it was from a place called JUNK...and B is telling me I must dry clean it first. In fact, HE is planning to take it to the dry cleaners because he knows that I will not.

So...yeah, it all started with B asking me if I want Sirloin for dinner. That means Boston Market. This is one of my favorite dinner meals. Five ounce sirloin, corn, mac & cheese. I did want to go. But, I hadn't showered all day so I did just to go to Boston Market because I felt disgusting. We went right in Ft Lee and when it was done, B felt like we should go somewhere because I showered. He said I looked like I wanted to go somewhere.

He suggested going to Williamsburg in Brooklyn. So, we went. We had been wanting to check it out to see if we should open a store there, but we didn't really know where it was, how to get there, what was there...etc...so, we put it off. Well, we had nothing to do last night and about 1.5 hours left of daylight. Plugged in Williamsburg into the GPS and off we went.

Wouldn't you know, it took us literally TWENTY minutes to get there. It pisses me off...Why? Because at a normal hour, ie, any hour of the DAYTIME- 9-5, it probably would have taken like 3 hours. Simply due to traffic. So, yeah, we left Ft Lee at 7:26 and got there at like 7:45. Amazing.

We drove around a little but realized quickly that just randomly driving was not going to help. We decided to park and go into this cafe/bar and try to ask someone about the area....Looked like a cool place from the outside...so, we went into the Roebling Tea Room. B LOVED this place...he loves industrial architechture...and this place was totally that. We had a drink, I got buzzed from half a Malibu Bay Breeze...and B had a beer. We asked some girl sitting next to us where to go. She said Bedford St. or Ave. I don't know. We left the car by this bar and walked to Bedford. It was cool. Looks like it would be a good place for our store. Just need to find out how much rent is...but aside from that, it seemed like a nice place.

We turned on some street because I wanted to go to some street fair going on and get zeppoles. You can't drive by a fair and not get zeppoles. I stopped in front of new construction and asked be to take down the realty name because it was called "Sophie B."...All our good fortune comes from something meaningful...and I love Sophie B. Hawkins...so I wanted him to call them. Turns out we were in front of a lighting store where this guy ended up giving us all this info that we needed for work. Totally weird because we only walked in front of this place because I saw the sign for Sophie B. You would have never known there was retail in this place without this guy actually calling out to us.

We spoke to this guy for awhile, left, and ended up at some place called JUNK. B said it looked like the inside of my parents house...He wasn't that far off. Now I know what to do if I am ever responsible for dealing with my parents stuff. Anyway, we looked around and I found this AWESOME orange and gold kimono. B said he'd buy it for me if I want. Of course I said yes. Everyone needs a kimono, no? It's great. It's really long though, so I might have to hem it or something. Very stylin' though. B was getting hives from being around people's old crap for too long so we hightailed it out of there after my kimono purchase.

We went on to the fair. It was muggy and disgusting so we got the zeppoles and left. Had some trouble finding the car being that not one cop we asked knew the area. B's question is how can cops not know the area in which they work...But he just likes to pose questions to me that he knows I do not have the slightest clue as to what the answer could be.

Finally, we found the car and got home. The zeppoles made me sick. All in all, it was a productive trip though...and B was happy that we are not boring people that sit on the couch all night and watch tv. We do need more info on this area...and we have to go back in the day to see what it is like then...and how long it takes to get there at other hours...but yeah, it was good.

I am sitting outside on the porch...and I actually have nothing to do...with approximately 1.5 hours of battery life...

This is what happens, I write something, my mind is has A.D.H.D. and then everything wants to come out. I don't know what to start with. I could write an update, but for my Knot "friends", that would be boring, because they pretty much know when I take a shit....and for whomever else is reading...well, I realize, due to my big online mouth and attitude, I am not quite sure how much update I need certain people to know...considering this moronic bunghole just wrote something on the GuestBook of my wedding web page that I had to immediately delete. All I can say is thank god I was home when I got the email that someone left a comment.

But I digress. Now, I called this "Titles" and I put knottie friends in quotes because B and I have this ongoing debate as to whom are really considered FRIENDS...and what people are really or should really be called aquaintences. I call everyone friends. I call all people I talk or hang with friends...but I think friends encompasses aquaintences without giving them a TITLE that sounds "less than"...there aren't "levels" of friendship or titles...just different facets.

My online friends I tell things to that I wouldn't necessarily tell the people in my life that I hang with in person, or are even really close to in my "real life"...I LIKE pen pals. I always did. Even when I was a kid, in the back of Teen Beat, Bop, and Tiger Beat magazines, they had a Pen Pal section where you could write someone else who shared your lust for Scott Baio and Kirk Cameron. I admit, I was into that. I never made a lasting friendship with these pen pals because I am lazy, but that is another story entirely. I also could write the letter, but then there was a whole thing getting an envelope, a stamp, etc....So, anyway, I like writing, I like someone to answer me. I will make a great old person waiting everyday for the highlight of the afternoon- the mailman coming. Pen pals through snail mail, or pen pals via cable modem- I enjoy it. Sometimes, I just think it is easier to have friends with whom you can talk to at your leisure...less pressure. I can email at 3am if I can't sleep. There is always someone to write to.

B thinks it is weird that I call people I never met my "friends"....but he isn't into the computer, isn't really into friends at all. He has very few in-person friends, and certainly no online pen pals. He asked me if I wanted to meet any of the people I write with. I said some. Some it isn't necessary. This doesn't make sense to him because he said if they were really my friends, I would want to hang with them....My argument to this is that if I took a day out to meet every single person I correspond with, my calendar would be pretty filled....and the emailing or posting is really enough. Talking and getting to know someone do not need to be done face to face.

When I was like 23, I found my first message board. It was on the Express clothing site and it was called Express Notes. There were lots of girls who came and went...lots of drama, like the knot...but in the end, they shut down the message board because of the drama, and a cre group of us went off and made our yahoo group. I am going to be 32 in a few weeks. I STILL correspond with these women. Not often, I admit. But, we do write when one of us has a big milestone or event...marriage, birth, death, etc. It's nice. I did meet two of them over the years...because I was traveling for business and it took me to two of their cities...and it was cool....but I didn't NEED to meet them to consider them friends....and it would piss me off I think if someone only considered us friends BECAUSE we met in person. These women were there for me through one of the hardest times in my entire life. If I didn't have them at the time to vent to, confide in, etc, I would have lost my mind. When you go through awful stuff, it is always great to have "new ears" to listen to you. Your small in-person circle gets tired of hearing the same shit, day in and day out....you need to spread your misery around to new ears...lol.

So, B gets annoyed with the amount of knotting I do...because to him, these are not my friends and I am just on there causing trouble and bitching people out....but that isn't it. It is my way of blowing off steam, getting a laugh or five, and just kind of hang out without actually leaving the house...which I think is nice...that I don't need to wash my hair or waste a cute outfit to crack jokes and answer polls.....He doesn't want me to stop being online so much, I think he just wants to understand it better...which I don't really think he will because it just isn't his thing.

I think I just find people facinating. I like to read people's LJ because I just like to know what other people's lives are like. It's the same with reading. I like Memoirs and Biographies, authorized or "un"....doesn't matter...I just like knowing someone's story...then, I may want to be their friend...because I don't feel like you can ever know enough interesting people. Maybe one person or two are to shop with, some you just talk on the phone because there never seems to be an end to what you can find to discuss. There's the 2 or 3 you want to go out and drink with because they are amusing drunks. There's the one that understands your background and family and can sympathize, the one who doesn't get it at all but makes you laugh til your sides hurt...THe one you tell your deepest secrets two but who is yawning every night by 7 and turns into a pumpkin most defintely at 8p...so, you know she isn't going to the club.....

Well, I want them all. They are all my "friends"....I like them all for different reasons and pick some over the others to enjoy different parts of me and my life...I don't think I would call anyone an aquaintence. They all get the same ME....just in different ways at different times. That's WHY they are friends....because I don't change the ME I am to be around them....the common denominator is ME. If you're in my life, you're just IN...whenever we need each other...no matter what the medium of connection

HOW WE MET:

If you ask him, he would say he won me at an auction....but the real story is probably better. Apparently I "hot-listed" him on Jdate in 10/03 but didn't contact him...he noticed I hot-listed him but didn't contact me until 3/04. I told him he was too short, divorced, and rides a Harley, so I wasn't interested. He told me that my profile was insane, I seem crazy and he didn't want to date me either. He said that we lived close and I know a lot of people, so we should be friends. I agreed. We wrote back and forth every few weeks and each time it would just kind of fade out....and we never met in person. I was a Serial Dater on Jdate and he was dating around on Jdate and being fixed up, but he didn't really want to meet someone and thought he never wanted to get married again. I had been single and in the online dating scene so long that I was ready to be fitted for a straight-jacket. I was ready to quit dating altogether and starting to get really cynical. He was enjoying his freedom after a long-term relationship that ended in a short marriage and an expensive divorce. He was really only focused on his business instead of looking for a girlfriend. In 8/04 I tried to hook him with a friend of mine but they never ended up meeting and that faded out too. Finally, on December 19, 2004, I was helping a friend host a networking event at Houlighans in Weehawkin. I had put his name on the invite list for other events for this group a long time ago & he was on this list too when I got the invite. He had RSVP'd yes for this 12/04 event so I figured if I was trying to hook him up with my friends, I should at least check him out in person and make sure he was normal....We both showed up for the event and ended up hanging out all night and making plans to go to the upcoming Matzo-Ball in NYC as friends....We went that night and while we didn't know what was starting, we knew it was something important. We had a courtship/friendship like something out of high school, complete with lots of drives to nowhere, 80's music, and trips to the diner. We couldn't get enough of each other. I used 4000 cellular minutes the first month we met, got no sleep, emailed 20 times a day, and just laughed at everything and nothing ALL THE TIME. For the first time in both of our lives, we both felt understood. We just "got" each other. We both think we are "The Luckiest".

WHEN WE GOT ENGAGED:

November 18, 2005

HOW IT HAPPENED:

We had been talking about getting engaged since August.... even looking at rings, once on my birthday (8/2) and also a few weeks after...I thought it would happen by October because he said in the middle of Sept that it would probably be at least 3-4 weeks. He told me who he was buying from, and I knew it was being made. I just didn't know when it would happen. I was getting antsy because two weekends ago I knew the ring was paid for but sitting in the store because he knew if it was in our house I would be ransacking. Days just kept going by. I was getting impatient and to throw me off he kept telling me about things he had planned to do for work where he had to go far away in the day on Fri, work on Sat, and move my furniture on Sunday. So, I saw no room in that schedule for a proposal. I thought he was planning on making me wait WEEKS because Thanksgiving is coming too and there just didn't seem to be time. Thursday night I was all upset and disheveled from moving, trying to cohabitate, etc. He tried to make me feel better and took me to buy hair dye and go tanning...and then told me that if I dress up on Friday I would probably start to feel better and we could go out to dinner. I said fine. Friday I got dressed nice and went to work. Bryan involved my friend Julie a week before so she told me she would be near my office on Friday for an interview. She asked me to lunch. I told her I was supposed to go to lunch with my boss but that I could visit with her for a little while before or after. At 1:15 she came up to my office and my boss told me I could go to lunch with Julie. We started walking towards Union Sq where my friend started veering off in the wrong direction...I asked her where the hell she was going and she told me to turn around. Bryan was there with an enormous sign. It was on poles and he had paid two guys $50 each to hold the poles up. It read: Tara S**** D******, Will You marry Me? and my name was spelled out in pictures of me. He was playing our song, "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds on a little boom box. He got down on one knee and asked me. We were both shaking and I think that is when I started to cry (happily of course!). Also when he was down on one knee, he whispered, "Which hand and which finger!!". People were all around clapping and taking pictures. He then told me he asked my boss prior if I could have the rest of the day off and she said yes. So, we went back to my office, picked up my stuff and he had booked a suite at the Waldorf Astoria. His parents sent us a bottle of champagne and chocolate covered strawberries, so we got buzzed and got ready to go out. We also went to the bar in the lobby for a drink and saw Jimmy Kimmel & Sarah Silverman. We then had dinner at Smith & Wollensky, went back to the room....and the rest is history there too....but after such an exhausting day (few weeks for him) 3 or 4 drinks each, and a huge meal, we were actually ASLEEP by 9:45pm!!

Remember in high school or college...when you met that someone who you thought had potential...you started dating....and you thought this could be "your person" (those who know me, understand that reference)....and for arguments sake, that person felt the same about you....you started using the L word...a lot...because you could...it was now "allowed" so you would say it in high school just to hear how it sounded coming out of your mouth maybe...and in college because you were naive enough to think this could be the person you were going to spend the rest of your life with....and then you start dating in the real world, where you could end up single and dating for years (Yes, that was me). So, you have all these experiences, some good, but many bad...and you become a product of those experiences, the negative ones leaving a lasting impression.

Then, you finally meet someone great. Hell, it might even be what you think is your soulmate, lobster, beshert...whatever you want to call it. And oddly enough, where before...with those other relationships, you were screaming out L-bombs as much as you order take-out....now you almost feel like you will jinx yourself, your "person", and the whole relationship if you seem to happy/excited.

Is there a such thing as, Good-Relationship Superstition? I mean, where you can now say "I love you" to this person without fearing the sky crashing down but where you are afraid to just proclaim your love to the world, or your friends...(I got over that part obviously) and where you have irrational fears of them getting hit by a bus, or by some other freak accident....Can you be afraid of being too happy, that somehow, karma or some other cosmic force is going to steal away your happy?

This is my current dilemma. I am in love. Blissful, storybook, all encompassing, romantic, spectacular love. And as of right now, I am not afraid to say this here. I have no fear that he doesn't feel the same for me as I do for him...we both have discussed the future starring the two of us...etc. So, I am ok now with believing in the feelings of love that were so long forgotten. I am happy with him and he with me. That's all good.

Problem? Before we committed to this relationship, he planned a trip across the country on his motorcycle for a month by himself. He leaves tomorrow (sat). He couldn't not go because he would resent me....but the trouble now is that I am resenting him....I would much rather be the resent-er rather than the resentee, respectively...because I feel as though I will get over that easier than he would. But I am worried, frustrated, sad...a plethora of things. This is someone I talk to 7 times a day on top of it all. I just already know how hard this is going to be.

I just have this strange phenomenon of neuroses that something bad is going to happen and I don't know how to cure this. It is making me nuts, and while he enjoys my particular brand of crazy most days, I know this little neurotic issue is going to get old to him too.

I have tried to get over this in several ways. I look at all the people I know in relationships or who are married, who seem happy, and imagine that they all can't be feeling this...and they are all ok....the relationships have gone on, the weddings have taken place...and nothing really terrible went on (except for some ugly bridesmaid dresses...but I digress)....nothing life threatening...no death or dismemberment.....I figured that the odds of life being ok for that many people is decent...

That thought didn't help for long.

The newest way was to try to think of all the bad about him...In a weird way, to assure myself that he really isn't as great as I think he is...then I could rationalize that if he isn't that great, then there is no reason for something bad to happen...But, I don't want to think about his bad qualities. Aside from being simply unhealthy for the relationship, that is NOT what I want to focus on in Tara-land. I like to focus on the POSITIVE...because I am generally a positive person...(yeah, like you could tell from this nightmare of rants.)

Yes, this is all insane. I know this. But, the feelings of anxiety I have are totally, 100 eal. It is taking up a lot of time and energy and I really don't want to be feeling like this. The only positive in insanity is loss of appetite. So, I will be nuts but at least be hot in my skinny jeans. Great.

The heart of it is, that I really feel this crazy thing...that he and I really just have something so special, so great...that somehow I am not allowed to be this happy. That something has to happen to ruin it. I feel like no one has what we have and that is why they are allowed to just exist...and live their lives....I know it sounds like some kind of "superiority" feeling...so I would welcome people to comment on how blissful with their mate they really are so I could see that life does actually stay good for more people than not. Tell me happy stuff...stories of great love where nothing bad happens...please. And I don't mean bad as in cheating...or divorcing....or being unemployed together...I mean, like, disease, death, and freak accidents. Thanks. Much Appreciated. ;)

I surprised myself with all these baseless fears. I was in a relationship for almost 6 years and never felt this way. I thought I loved him, but I wasn't constantly afraid for his safety, that something was going to happen to him. (He also didn't really go anywhere or do anything but that is for another blog...maybe one on boring relationships...and again, I digress). I have to assume that the reason I feel this way is because I have really gone through the ringer with dating between the 6 yr relationship ending and the beginning of this one (5 year span). I guess I forgot how to just "be"....just live...and just be thankful for the good stuff....

I don't know. I have moments where I can just relax and be happy that all is well on the romantic front. I should look at it as he and I have had a real rollercoaster of a relationship before deciding to really make the committment we have and now I finally got what I wanted. That it was a lot of work and now it is just time for the payoff...which would be natural progression. I think I am going to try to really just work with that thought for now....

I know I deserve this...happiness...contentment...reciprocity of love and affection....that I waited a long time...even waited a long time to get here with him...who was slowly becoming my best friend for 7 months and morphed into my "boyfriend" (yes, so retarded sounding...so, my "person" I think it shall stay)

Is anyone else just really afraid of being truly happy? What a weird thing to be afraid of, right? I think I liked it better when I was a kid afraid of nuclear war...and bugs....

Back in January I wrote a blog about "J"....Dating a friend vs. dating a stranger. A lot of people have written and asked what happened. I thought I would just write something short to give the answer.

It turned out my "friend" was also my "lobster" and that is who is in the photo with me. He is truly my best friend, my favorite person, and if there is a such thing as a soulmate, he's mine.

I really feel that we are "The Luckiest". :)

Thanks for reading my stuff and letting me work out all the crazy in my head here in print.

I just had a panic attack in Barns & Noble. Why? One word. P-R-E-S-S-U-R-E. No, not the Billy Joel song. A real, ton of bricks feeling, PRESSURE. I thought I might even faint. (For anyone that knows me, they know that it wouldn’t be the first time.)

Innocently enough I thought that I would take my lunch hour to look at magazines and other fluff in the chick-lit section. I don’t know my way around this particular B&N so, I wandered up to the third floor of this monstrosity of reading retail. I found the magazines. The magazines happen to be right next to self-help. Part of the self-help section is a huge area dedicated to relationships. For kicks, I thought I would browse some titles. That was when my heartbeat started to quicken, my hands got clammy and I started to sweat. Seems odd, right?

The titles were hitting me in the face like cold wind. “If you love a narcissist”, “How to snag a husband after 35”, “Women men love, women men leave”, “Close the deal, How to get any man to marry you”, and last, but certainly not least, “Why men love Bitches”. What IS this? It was a rack dedicated to the desperate woman and how to trick men into committing. Do we need this? Is this what romance and love have come down to? Trickery? Games? Was it always this way? Finally, is any book really going to help you get someone to propose and do we really want the man we have to read the book to snare?

I am 30 yrs old. I have been told I am attractive, fun, intelligent, witty and more. Many times over I have been called a “catch”. Yet, I am single. Not for lack of dating either. Good or bad, I have a spreadsheet for all the men I have dated in the past five years. I have put myself out there time and time again, never quite coming up with that formula for what makes relationships go beyond three dates or three months or three years. The closest thing I have to a boyfriend currently is a best friend who likes to play boyfriend but doesn’t actually have the emotional capacity to BE one. What that means is that I get to use a million minutes on my cell phone and eat out a lot but don’t get laid. I guess it isn’t a bad deal…For the time being.

Weirdly enough though, with as much as I date, most of the time I am fine with being single. Would I like to be with someone? Sure. If the situation was right. But, I really like who I am right now, and I really do enjoy my own company. It is the OUTSIDE pressure that gets me every now and again.

I don’t feel old. Hell, if I date guys five years older than me instead of five years younger, I suppose I can always feel young. It is that look that gets me though. From other people. People who are married and settled. Guys with antiquated ideas that women are “damaged goods” if they are 30+ and single. Grandma and Auntie Yenta who say, “We should be dead and buried before we see a wedding/grandchild?” That look you get at family gatherings. The one that says, it doesn’t matter that you are a success in any other area of your life, but because you are single, you are a failure.

Every time I got this look, I used to want to crawl in a hole. Recently, after hearing of the impending demise of yet another short lived marital union of a couple I thought was going to make it, I just sort of felt sad. Not for me, but for all these people who probably got married too young and to the wrong partner because they felt this enormous pressure to get married. All these people who are a statistic already and only in their 20’s. I used to think that I would never date someone who is divorced yet now, at 30, I am almost finding more single men who have been divorced than not. I wonder if it is looked at as “better” if you got married and divorced young, or if you haven’t been married by the time someone is in their 30’s. Which has more of a stigma these days?

It’s very confusing. On any given day I vacillate between which is better or worse and what I really want. I want to be in love. I think I want to get married. But, when all I am surrounded by is divorce, I wonder if all that hoopla is worth it. I already went through the demise of a long term relationship that was like a divorce and I want to go through that again like I want to get the rest of my wisdom teeth out. Everyone thinks they are going to beat the odds. All I do know about all this is that I want to wait until I feel like I am in a relationship with someone who seems like the most viable to win at the marriage game with. Why is it so frowned upon to actually take the time to wait and think things through instead of pulling a Britney Spears or Nicky Hilton??

Most days, I love my life and all its experiences and stories, good and bad. I have great friends, a fun social life and crazy adventures. The path I took to get here wasn’t the one I started on or the one I thought I would be taking, but it is the one enabled me to grow into the person I am today and be proud of her. I am surrounded by friends that care about me and I have few regrets. But, the self-help section in the book store is trap. You look at all those books that are basically telling you that you need to be in a relationship or be married to be complete and it undermines your confidence. It makes you feel like the choices you made aren’t right somehow if you don’t find a partner. And nothing is worse than having to second-guess yourself in a retail store when all you wanted to do was get out of the office for a little while on a rainy Monday.

I have no Part II...just so you know....

December/January 2005

*Initials have been changed to protect dater identity

Is there really a difference between dating and friendship? Should there be? Is it crazy for their not to be? These are all questions I ask myself recently as I found myself in the beginning of a relationship with my “friend”.

When I think of the possible future, what most people define as natural steps in life they think about, a house, kids (maybe!) and/or pets, and someone to share it with. I always think that if I am going to go down that road, I hope to do it with my best friend. I try to envision a life with the “perfect” mate. If I had to define it, that means he doesn’t have to be perfect to anyone else, just perfect for me. I pictured the person who “gets” me and all my quirks, the one who accepts me for me and even likes all the weird stuff that makes me who I am. He didn’t have a name or a face, but I knew what kind of man I wanted him to be. I had all these requirements, kind of a checklist, that I thought I needed, but I was willing to bend more as time went on.

Having dated a ton over the past five years I almost started to feel like meeting someone compatible was just not in the cards for me. I didn’t want to think that because I am just more of a positive and optimistic person. I also would never close my mind to the possibility of finding that “other-half” because I am a romantic at heart. As time was moving forward though, I started to think that I didn’t even know how to be myself anymore and be the real me on a date with someone I liked, or even someone I didn’t like. Fear, hurt, and anxiety made me act like bitch on a bad day and Sybil on a good one. I put so much energy into trying to test people with my quirky behaviors, that eventually I didn’t know whether I was testing them or ME. They almost had no choice but to run the other way because I pushed them there. The bottom line was more that I didn’t want to let anyone in because every time I did, it ended badly for me. When you are constantly in fear of being bailed on, it is easy to keep romantic relationships at arm’s length even when you think you are ready for "The One".

After meeting some new girlfriends and taking on a new job in NYC, I decided to quit online dating. It wasn’t going anywhere for me. I had met someone I liked a lot in November on Jdate and thought it could go somewhere. I thought so until I realized that he thought online dating was a buffet and I was just some crudité in the corner of a packed plate. He was addicted like a crack-head. I had been there and seen that and wasn’t about to hang in for more of the same. Then, my friend told me about a guy she was really starting to like and told me his name. Before I could think about it, I mentioned that I knew him from online but never met him. She didn’t know he was dating from online and once I said that she had to wonder how real he was being. The crushed look on her face was enough for me to think that maybe online dating is really evil and that I needed a real break.

As much as I wanted to quit in my head, I still couldn’t totally stop. I stopped paying, but I didn’t take my profile down. I still had a few weeks left that were already paid for and I thought I could wean myself off slowly. I had never been totally off it though and I was scared.

I was having a party with my networking group in NJ and invited J*, a guy who I had emailed with sporadically with over the past year or so. I saw he was coming so I thought it would be cool to finally meet. I had no intention of dating him. I even tried to hook him up with my friends. On paper, he was not the person I envisioned myself with. He had contacted me on Jdate almost a year before and I was not interested. I even told him that. He is divorced, rides a Harley, likes dogs, and I would never again be able to wear shoes with a heel. Yes, all superficials for the most part, I admit, but everyone has their ideal. I figured I could always use another friend though, and I was curious about him for some reason.

When I did meet him, he said he had been off Jdate for approximately six months. I was still weaning myself off it. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something there. At first I thought it was just friendship. We were talking every other day, then every day for hours at a time, and hanging out every few days. We kept saying it was great to have a “buddy”, yet we were simulating a junior high school courtship complete with long drives to nowhere, diner runs, and the phone surgically attached to our heads five times a day, talking about the deep and nonsensical, totally "getting" each other. It was starting to get to a “do or die” point because frankly, neither of us could keep up the amount of time we were devoting to the phone calls and even the hanging out. The bigger issue too was that we were already acting like we were dating, enjoying each other’s company, and being able to talk about anything. We just hadn’t crossed that line in labels or kissing. I did however finally take myself off Jdate around this time and didn’t have any hesitation. I didn’t need it as a crutch anymore.

Labels and kissing don’t seem like big deals, but crossing that line IS a big thing. I know because we did cross it, and the whole dynamic became different. Before, I didn’t think about whether I should call; I just did. I didn’t think about any shoulds or shouldn’ts. I just knew we liked spending time together and there was more sexual tension than any 80’s sitcom like Who’s the Boss? or dramedy like Moonlighting. Once we changed the rules or made some there was more deliberation in both our actions.

The line was crossed on the night he started the difficult conversation about where we see this friendship going. He made me talk when I really didn’t know how to express myself. I was afraid to have this conversation because I knew in the end of it we were going to have to make some kind of decision. He said we really might as well go for it because we had no reason not to. Then he was back and forth about it. I asked him if he wanted some time to think about it and he said no. We decided over the phone that we are dating. We did this before we even had one liplock. This seemed fitting, as our whole courtship was extremely reminiscent of being 15 yrs old and dating for the first time.

We had a weekend of “us” planned. Our first “date” was amazing. It was romantic and sweet and included that all-telling first kiss at the end of dinner. I was really happy. He seemed happy. I think things changed the next day. We had planned to go to the movies. I was feeling oddly irritable. I thought that maybe I was feeling that way because I was scared of what could or would or not happen. I was trying so hard not to overanalyze that it was coming out as bitchy attitude. As “just friends”, I felt comfortable being me because there isn’t that much at stake. As my “boyfriend” he would be playing a whole other role. If we messed this up as a romantic venture, we would lose our friendship too. I couldn’t help but feel the pressure because it had been so long since I was able to connect with someone that well and have so much fun. I managed to put bitchy aside that night and we went back to his place. I stayed there but we didn’t go beyond kissing. I don’t know what he wanted to do, but I know I was too scared to do anything. I wanted him but I didn’t know what would happen after that. Something felt off in the emotional connection and my head was telling me to stop even though my body wanted to continue. In my mind, the more sexual our relationship became, the more entrenched in a relationship we would be. I just felt like without sex we could somehow go back to being friends if it didn’t work out, but once we went to the point of intercourse it would forever change everything. Someone had to have the willpower and I just took that role myself.

We got into a serious conversation about what he wants in terms of his life regardless of whom he is dating. It seemed like he was trying to pick a fight or make me reconsider any idea of a future together. The things he was saying he wants were things he knew were not priorities to me. In my mind, he was basically telling me to “take it or leave it”. I left him that day wondering if we made the biggest mistake ever. I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was before. Unfortunately, that just wasn’t realistic.

Something wasn't right all week. He seemed distant and told me he made plans for the upcoming weekend, possibly both Friday and Saturday nights. I thought that was kind of strange since he had wanted to spend so much time together prior to labeling the relationship. I felt like he did that to make a statement. Finally, we started to talk and really flesh out was going on with him. He basically said that he was freaked out. The more he explained, the clearer to me it was that he was caught up in some idea of how things “should be” or “should feel” and overanalyzing the situation way beyond the necessary. I felt like this was the second “State of the Relationship Address” we had in seven days. It was a bit much even for me. We ended the conversation on a good note, so I thought. As I understood it, he just needed some time to get used to the idea of being in a relationship and we needed to take things slow. I didn’t really get it because he had been so gung-ho all this time. He had pursued me hard almost from the beginning. I wasn’t about to question it though because I wasn’t really sure what to think and I needed time to process everything. I also figured if he needed breathing room, I was just going to go with it.

Things just went from bad to worse into the weekend. I could feel him pulling away and I didn’t know what to do with that myself. There was an argument over the plan of the weekend and all just went to hell in a hand basket. I was hurt, angry & confused and I couldn’t figure out which I felt the most. I was angry with myself for letting him in and angry with him for taking advantage of that. Normally I would have written one of my famous long letters but he had taught me to speak instead of hide behind my writing. We emailed instead of spoke due to certain circumstances. He freaked and basically bailed on dating. I said we should go back to being friends because I liked it better that way. I didn’t even know if I meant it or what “friends” actually meant seeing as our whole relationship thus far was romance disguised as friendship. But, I had to put up some kind of wall as protection for my heart, so, that was my response. I also wasn’t sure if I was ready to lose our relationship on every level at that point.

He said he was glad to get my email and would love to be just friends again. He said he would call the next day.

Epilogue: We still have not spoken. I don’t know what is going to happen.

I wrote this in parts as it was happening. In a way, it was kind of like a “Choose your own adventure” kind of thing. In the beginning, my initial question was “What is the difference in dating your friend vs. someone new where there is nothing invested?”. Is it better or worse than starting fresh with a stranger? At first, I was so ready to write about how great it is to date someone you are already so close with. At this point I am not sure and somehow I don’t think I am going to know for quite some time. This doesn’t feel like the end of the tale.

When you date a stranger, you have nothing to lose. Even if you like this person and they turn out to be a jerk, or not that into you, you get over it relatively quickly. You have nothing established and there is no trust to break. When you date your friend, you have everything to gain if it works out, but everything to lose if it doesn’t. For the first five or six weeks where J. and I were just friends, I don’t think I have ever been happier. But, I am also not sure we were EVER “just friends”. I never had a J. He had become one of the closest people to me no matter how hard I tried to push him away with my quirks. He was someone I relied on to be there. I hadn’t had someone pay that much attention to me since I was a 14 yr old with my first real boyfriend. We laughed at everything and nothing, even things other people would definitely find offensive. We both cried at movies when we weren’t reciting the lines before they happened. He let me have excessive butter on our popcorn to the point of nausea. I used 4000 minutes on my cellular phone talking to him and judging by his phone bill, we should be on a share plan. He remembered everything I ever said and did. He knew he liked my hair one way over another and never noticed when I was disheveled. He could tell what I was doing in my apartment just by the sound of my voice or the background noise in the room. Sometimes when we looked at each other long enough, it was like seeing everything that was on the inside and not needing words.

I thought that taking it to the next level could only mean good things. In my mind, if I was ever to be in another relationship, I wanted to be able to call him my best friend. For a short while, J. seemed like he could be that person. I would want love to be based on the same core I found with J. Yet, as soon as a “relationship” label was put upon us, it ruined everything. This was the most intense short-lived relationship I ever had. It could possibly be a record.

I never believed in soul mates before. I am still not sure if I do. If I do, I am not sure what the definition of one should be. Maybe a soul mate doesn’t have to be a romantic partner, maybe it is just someone who “gets” you and it is just up to two people to figure out how to best fit that person into their life. J walked into my life and shook things up. He made me consider really letting someone see all my light AND love my dark. I never met someone who was so much on the same page most of the time to the point that it scared the hell out of me. But, scared never felt so right or gave me a mega-watt smile around the clock. I felt like if I had to define what I wanted out of a “relationship”, I had already found it right here. What else would I seek out? More superficial items from my old checklist? Checklists and rules just seemed so unimportant as J. and I got closer and the journey got better. You realize that this person is the first one you want to talk to for good and bad. When they become the first person you think of when your alarm goes off and the last person you think of before your eyes fall heavy with sleep, it’s like being alert and clear headed for the first time.

Then sometimes someone falls behind. There is a crossroads. You wonder if the other person can catch up or if they even want to continue on that path. Do you wait? If you wait are you wasting time or is waiting for your partner to catch up just part of love? Is falling behind sometimes just a natural part of actually keeping things together for the long haul? You begin to wonder if you imagined this connection that seemed so strong, so important, so solid. Where do you draw the line into knowing what relationships are worth fighting for? At this juncture it stops being fun and it becomes work. Do I want more work? Does every relationship have struggle and it is all about how you deal with it? What happens when the only obstacle to a really good relationship is the other person's fears?

The questions keep coming like a tidal wave. Should we look for our platonic friends to be our soul mates, or if you realize your friend is your soul mate do you have an obligation to see if it can work as more than a friendship? Some friendships might surpass most relationships but aren’t those usually same-sex friendships? Aren’t we ultimately looking for someone who is the most compatible for that “Great Love”? I think many people spend their whole life looking for the person to walk through life with that best enhances it. If you think you found that, isn’t it worth it to see it through for what it could be? Maybe you have to see where it can go because that is the natural progression in hetero relationships. Or, is it better not to risk the longevity of a really good platonic friendship? Would that just be stupid to not take the risk to reap the rewards? I think you would always wonder otherwise. Lastly, don’t all opposite-sex hetero friendships start out with some kind of attraction, conscious or subconscious and end up with some kind of romantic/sexual overture? Finally, what happens AFTER you give in to carnal urges? Your vulnerability gets wrapped up in the power of another person. Things are so easily misconstrued after you get naked. That is one insecure place to be.

I think relationships are difficult no matter what the label is on them. I don’t know the best way to start dating someone. The older I get and the MORE I date, the LESS I seem to know. If I had known the “dating” part of J & I was only going to last NINE DAYS and then be ruined, I would have never crossed that line. But, we also couldn’t sustain the level of what we were doing, whatever it was, because it was making us both lose sight of what we had on our life plates outside one another. It was mentally exhausting and exhilarating at the same time. Can two people who cross that line from friendship to more ever really go back to being friends if the relationship thing doesn’t work out? Can you only do that if you HAVEN'T had sex? Should you? When it ends, someone inevitably has gotten hurt. Usually one person makes a unilateral decision to flee. Feelings also can’t be turned on and off with a wave of a magic wand. Where does that leave the friendship on either side?

I totally let J in as my friend and by doing that, I gave him all the tools to hurt me in a relationship. Friends know best your strengths and weaknesses. They may not mean to use your weaknesses against you, but I think it is more subconscious. When someone feels the need to bail, they aren't looking at you as a "friend" anymore anyway. They also hold a trust card that is deeper and more fragile. When that trust is broken I don’t know if the foundation is repairable. On the other hand, a stranger is just a stranger. They start out meaning nothing outside of a physical attraction. New people in your life are often transient and are just blips on your radar. It takes time and energy to get to know someone and then actually form a true connection. By 30, we all have our own unique baggage and finding someone that loves you for it rather than in spite of it (and vice versa) isn’t easy. Your friend is already there loving you unconditionally (if you have good friends!) You may have nothing to lose with a stranger but is the gain as sweet as it could be with someone you already established trust and shared history?

The hardest questions of all are the ones I asked myself under the surface when I started to write. I know now that I am not ready to give up on finding love. I know what it is to feel giddy with happiness over having someone I think is super special in my life. I know that I like feeling and knowing I am special to someone else. I am just having trouble finding answers I need to figure out where to go with this relationship. My first instinct is to let it go and start fresh with someone new. But, how do I start over or even consider starting over with a stranger when all the components of something special and great are right there with my best friend? And if I let a new stranger in, won’t that new relationship have to replace the one with J? Am I ready and willing to totally give up J. to move on? Is he? Which is the bigger mistake, letting go what might be the best opposite sex friendship and relationship either one of us ever had or trying to save it and risking hurting each other beyond mend?

Maybe you just have to lose someone to appreciate what you had in the first place. If they realize it fast enough before there too much time and pain gone by, maybe part of being committed to being a best friend and/or more is helping the other person catch up when they stumble and fall behind. If they let you go, then maybe “perfect” was all just a figment of your imagination.

Spring 2004

When you look through the online personals, you find some common denominators in almost every profile. They range from silly, to contrived, to raw and honest. If I read one more time, “I love to laugh”, or “I am looking for a woman just as comfortable in a gown as jeans and sneakers” (HELLO?? There are some sadly misinformed men out there that think this is a reality), I might just throw up. But, what I have read over and over again that made me really think is the statement, “I want to meet my best friend”.

What does that mean, “best friend”? I remember in 1st grade it meant the person who shared their Twinkies at lunch when you had carrots or the person who let you cut in line at the water fountain. I remember having a 1st Best Friend, a 2nd Best Friend, a 3rd, so on and so forth. And that list changed by the hour. But, when you are talking romantic relationships, it is a whole other ballgame.

The concept is strange anyway. We all have friends. We probably even have at least one friend we call our “Best Friend”. So, why are we even looking for another one? When you met your current Best Friend, you most likely didn’t pick this person based on physical attraction, career, astrological sign, romantic compatibility, and all the other things one considers when picking a boyfriend or girlfriend. When you meet someone of the opposite sex, you don’t think to yourself, “Wow, this person looks like they could be my best friend”. Hopefully, you are looking at them imagining what they might look like naked. (Yeah, ok…tell me that isn’t the real truth.)

You start dating. You start to spend a lot of time together. You might even end up seeing this person more often than you see your “1st” best friend. You might end up talking to this person more than any of your friends. Especially in the beginning, you feel this euphoria like this person knows you better than anyone ever did…they understand you, they care more, they consume you, and you them. You tell people you found your other half, it seems it is true connection….You found your best friend….

You HAVE found your best friend. But, it is in a different sense than your other friends. This friendship probably has an expiration date. You don’t know what that expiration date is, but it is there, in invisible ink. This is because ironically enough, the day you break up, the person closest to you in the world becomes a stranger. You might be sure this could never be possible when your are happy in love with stars in your eyes, but anyone reading this who has ever been involved in a break-up knows it to be the truth.

I had a relationship for five and a half years. I can’t imagine two people being closer. We met in college and anyone who has ever lived at school knows relationships move much faster because you can be around or with your significant other 24/7. After graduation we lived together for two years. There were times that we didn’t see other friends at all for months. It was mostly US and no one else. You know you are close when there is nothing that could embarrass either one of you in front of the other. It definitely isn’t healthy, but it was the routine. We went through everything together for a long time. I called this person my best friend without hesitation.

Then, one day, he opted OUT. He left. I was heartbroken. Here I was losing not only the person I thought I loved, but also the person I built my world around, tragically…my best friend.

Within hours, I could look into his eyes and it was like I had no idea who that person was standing in front of me. Every time he came to the house to pick something else up, I felt like he was looking around with X-ray vision trying to figure out what else he could claim as his own. It was a crazy feeling for me. I still loved him and I missed him terribly as my friend. I was used to speaking to him five times a day and I was used to him lying there on the couch, watching SportsCenter when I got home at night. But, not long after he left, I felt more fear for when I knew he was coming because I knew he was going to try to take more items from the house and there was going to be a battle.

I felt like the person I knew disappeared and was replaced with a complete stranger. That was when I had an epiphany. While it might feel like your partner/mate/significant other is your best friend; it is like it should really be called “Best Friend, certain restrictions apply”.

Can you really be friends with an ex? I think in certain situations you can. I used to think it was always possible but as I get older I realize that not only is not always possible, but in some cases, you shouldn’t even attempt to, or want to be bothered. All relationships are work. As we age, we have more responsibilities and less time. It is hard enough to get time in with the people really closest to us and whom we care about the most. Sometimes having the ex factor around is just not healthy or happy and really is just a huge waste of time and energy.

I am true friends with a few exes’ that go as far back as high school. I have some ex’s I speak to from college on a friendly email basis every few months or once a year. But, I realized after my last disastrous relationship/break-up that I just don’t really have to be friends with everyone. I figured out that people really do enter your life for a Reason, Season, or a Lifetime. Most of my recent relationships were a “Season” (that is about all the time they lasted). They came, they taught me something, they were able to make me happy (or miserable) in the short term, but once whatever I needed to be taught was learned, the relationship ended. It was time to move on. I kept the lessons and got rid of the guy. While I value the friendships I have kept with exes’ past, I no longer feel the need to keep people in my life who offer no fun/comfort/intellectual stimulation/etc. or mutual function. I just cut my losses and I actually feel a great new sense of freedom.

I think the problem with being friends with an ex is that it is rarely a true friendship. That is because the initial “best friendship” was based on a romantic relationship. A romantic relationship almost always ends one-sided. One of the two parties wants out. It is usually not something that happens overnight. One person has this idea in their head, and it is not something usually discussed until that one person is ready to really make that final decision to leave. Unconsciously, the idea of wanting out makes a certain distance between the couple. If it were a true friendship, whatever was being felt by either party would be able to be talked out. In a romantic relationship, one party wants out, and they may not even care about being friends at that point. Sometimes out just means out and that person doesn’t care about what is going to happen beyond that.

I have heard people say that their break-up was mutual. I never believe those people. Someone initiated the conversation. I believe that in almost all cases one person wanted to break up more than the other. And what is the person being dumped supposed to do? If they aren’t going to throw themselves on the floor, thrashing and crying, grabbing onto the other person’s ankles as to get them to stay, their only other choice is to keep their pride, agree to break up, and maturely call it mutual. The dump-er may initiate friendship out of guilt and the dump-ee may initiate it or agree just to keep contact in hopes of reconciliation. That isn’t true friendship. The faux friendship just becomes self-serving with ulterior motives.

You have to make your own decisions as to what you can take emotionally. You have to decide whether you are better or worse off with this person in your life in any capacity. I decided to do it on a case-by-case basis. I have ended up making wonderful friends who started out as really shitty boyfriends. I think it comes down to using your head versus your heart when deciding to keep someone around and call them your friend. You learn that there is a big difference between a “booty call” and a FRIEND. Exes’ may know you the best, but they also know how to push your buttons and hurt you the worst. And do you really need friends with that kind of power and the possible and probable motivation to use it? It just seems to me that friends you haven’t seen naked make the best true friends.